I’ve never been able to wrap my hands around that word. I’ve tried to take deep breaths; to inhale and exhale “enough”. I’ve tried to trap that word in my lungs and memorize the feel of it dancing across my lips.
I’ve felt it, but I’ve never been able to hold on to it. To see it on me, in my footprints. I’ve felt it, but a feeling is fleeting. Feelings roll in and pull away. That was how I experienced enough. It came to me when I was proud of myself, and left as soon as I felt imperfect.
What I failed to understand is that enough never left me. I was the one who turned my eyes on enough, on me. I criticized me, I held myself to an impossible standard. Enough wasn’t the prize waiting at the finish line – no, enough was the energy and power coursing through my body as I continued to run the race. Enough didn’t shoot the gun to start the race, enough was the one whispering “we both know you can do this, keep going. I know it hurts; you’ve got this.”
I was the one holding me back. I hadn’t allowed myself to know my own value; to believe in my worth beyond the accomplishments I could list on a piece of paper. I believed I had to be everything, to get everything done, to make everyone happy before I would be enough. That belief only lead to breakdown. That belief led to panic and fear and pain (pain I wouldn’t let anyone see). It forced me to lose myself in the pursuit of everyone else. The approval of everyone else.
I can see it now.
Not only do I believe in it, I can see it. I see it in my choice, every day, to be Brave. I can see it in my actions and the grace I grant myself. I see it in my willingness to ask for help and to be vulnerable. To KNOW that I am enough and take that belief and live through it. Not just with it, but through it.
Enough. Whole. Perfectly imperfect. I am the only one who can let enough walk with me. Not only in the best moments, but in those that hurt and scar. That’s life. If we choose to do so, enough will be there through it all.
It’s a process, but that process can start now.
Breathe deeply, let enough fill your lungs. Put your finger to your pulse and feel enough pump through your body. Enough is in every part of you: your body, your thoughts, your words, your steps.
You are enough. Believe that, and watch the magic begin.