Negative

I’m not pregnant. My body has been sending mixed signals for days now, but two tests have shown the same result: I’m not pregnant. No period, just nausea and tenderness and overwhelming scents in public spaces.

The voice in my head is saying all the things I don’t want to hear:

It’s not never, just not now.

This is only the beginning. It will happen.

Other couples have struggled for years. This could be a long road.

You’ll get another chance next month. Just go about life.

Be grateful for all you have already.

These may all be true, but the one thing these ideas don’t do is provide comfort. Not a single one eases the pain, disappointment, confusion, or frustration. Not one is empathetic or compassionate.

So, these are the words I’m speaking to myself instead:

It’s disappointing. It’s okay to feel disappointed. We can sit in this space and feel the sorrow. It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to be hopeful. It’s okay to imagine what it would be like to share the exciting news. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel the tears welling up. It’s okay to get excited about what could be. It’s okay. I love you.

The pressure to become pregnant is immense. I know I’ve felt that pressure in my own life from both sides of our family. When? Has it happened yet? Are you trying? These are difficult questions to answer, particularly when the answer is not met with any empathy or compassion.

So, please, don’t ask. You never know what decision has been made or what journey a couple is walking through. Having children to build a family is a beautiful thing, yes, but that’s not the only way to make a family.

If you, too, have been trying to conceive and it hasn’t happened, please know you’re not alone. It’s an emotional rollercoaster of a process. The weeks of a cycle that used to fly by, now seem so very long. I know we’re both dreaming of the day the positive sign appears, with the nagging question at the back of our minds – “will it ever happen for me?”

If I could hold your hand and sit next to you I would. We could cry together, sharing that space of compassion and understanding. It’s okay to feel disappointed. We do not have to immediately move back to hope or look toward the next month. We’re allowed to be here, in this day, in this moment, and acknowledge exactly what we’re feeling.

Let yourself feel, sweet sister. How beautiful it is to be in a totally different phase of life, sincerely wanting to become pregnant. Ten years ago, I said I’d never have kids. Maybe you did, too. There’s no judgment here. I see you and I love you. How blessed are our future children that their Mom already wants them so desperately? Already loves them so wholly. They don’t even exist yet, and they are already loved unconditionally.

So are you. So very loved. So very valuable and so very seen. You are not alone. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to be excited and hopeful. Don’t force yourself to move on. It’s okay to be here, today. Just remember: you’re not alone.